imaginary outfit: variation on a theme

I've been thinking a lot about order and irregularity, about the number of options that exist within a given framework. Clothes are little daily exercise in the possibility of permutation. There are a set number of pieces I have access to, and they can be combined in a variety of ways - usually a wider variety of ways that I give them credit for. It is all to easy to come up with one solution and feel finished. I try to keep my eyes open, and remind myself that different things, unexpected things, can be combined in ways fresh to my way of thinking. Despite the comfort of a uniform - the daily cardigan - jean - moc - equation - it is good to push these little internal edges.

Lately, I've been trying to apply these skills outside my closet. Through whatever turn of events, I've never been one of those people who have found what they are meant to do. I've generally resorted to conventional methodologies to try and puzzle it out. I've worked at just about every job I have been offered, read ostensibly helpful books and articles, taken quizzes and personality tests, tried on different philosophies about the weight that a career should have in shaping and defining your identity, and in the end, I've come up empty. Nothing fits. I look at online job listings with a vague sense of panic and dread, unconvinced of my ability to be the person they are looking for, and yet unwilling to give up the idea that somehow I can fit into this marvelous machine of regulated human effort and toil, that I can find a job - a definition - that provides a pat answer at parties and a steady stream of income.

Clearly, I'm trapped in a pattern - something several degrees more pernicious than wearing cardigans and moccasins every day. A new angle is required, a different variation using the same notes. If I can find it, maybe a new pattern will snap into place - something spacious and elegant, ordered yet liberating ...